My Tailored Suit:: May 2013

This past Wednesday I had somehow gathered the motivation to use Jillian's gym membership guest pass and work out while she ran. When I got home from work, I discovered that I didn't have any decent running shoes anymore so I drove to the nearest shoe station, where I found a lovely pair of the cheapest tennis shoes on the planet:

Replace the very feminine purple with a very masculine green and you have the crap that I purchased. I'm cheap, I admit it. What I will also admit is that when I was very young, my mother bought me a pair of shoes from this company when they were first introduced and I was ridiculed for my "bo-bos". This should have stopped me from repeating history, but I didn't. You can't beat $30 shoes... unless you're referring to quality.

Shoes in hand (or on foot; whichever sounds better), I went to the Planet Fitness with Jillian. Because I live in the same reality as most 4 year-olds, I assumed that I could just jump back into the same workout routine that I did in high school; Run on the treadmill, get the heart-rate up, hit the free weights, do some crunches, drink a little water, jog to my truck and go home. It all went according to plan... for about the first 3 seconds. I started running and then my cheap ass shoes started to rub on my left pinky toe. An annoyance that I used as an excuse for only being able to run for half a mile before being winded. The free weight lifting was about as disappointing as I expected but not embarrassing and the crunches were probably the highlight of my gym experience BUT I could feel my body telling me to call it quits about halfway through my second set of the crunch machine so I decided to grab my keys and take a breather outside. Meanwhile, Jillian has just stopped running on the treadmill and is about to start tanning.
I grab my keys, open the door and sit down at the table just outside. I should mention at this point that the Planet Fitness in Daphne is on the second floor of a business building. I mention it b/c about 2 minutes after I sit down, I realize that my body was in worse shape than I thought. I have two options at this point: Go inside and admit that I'm a bitch or walk to my truck and lay down while I wait for Jillian. I should have confessed, but I chose that latter. About halfway down the stairs, my vision was gone and I knew I was screwed. I used the railing to make it to the bottom and then I just sat down. There was no way I was getting to my truck. Like a choose your own adventure book, I had made it to the page where you know your only options all lead to death. My optional deaths were physical or social. I delayed it by letting the first few people walk by until I thought I was going to pass out. Luckily some guy asked if I was alright and I admitted that "I'm probably not in good shape". While he walked up the stairs to get help, I threw up my lunch... more specifically the carrots I had... all over my new cheap shoes. Take that cheap shoes!
What seemed like half an hour later, Jillian showed up with guy from the front desk that gave me a Poweraid. Apparently my sugar levels had just crashed on me, b/c a sip of sugar water and I was up and walking around. I apologized like a drunk, and felt light-headed like one. Like a wounded puppy I had Jillian drive me home. I have to say that was not how I envisioned the end of my Wednesday.
In summary, I would like to blame this entire experience on Saucony. Your shoes are so terrible they made me throw up after just one wear. I take no responsibility, even though Jillian said I should have had something to eat before I went to the gym.
The End.