Coughs on a Plane

Back in January, I made my way out to Phoenix, Arizona for Auburn's run at the NCAA football championship. About a week before the game, I flew out to Vegas with a stop in Dallas to switch planes. The meat of this story is based on that layover.

I had a mid-day flight out of Mobile so I touched down in Dallas around 11:30 and decided to grab lunch while waiting for my plane. I have an irrational fear of missing flights due to unknown changes in flight times and departure gates, so I spent the majority of my lunch juggling a fork, beer and smart phone. Thirty minutes in the airport restaurant and my anxiety forces me to head back to the gate, where, shortly after, I will learn that our gate has indeed been switched.
Paranoia 1, Rational Thought 0.

In addition to the nice little walk that accompanies a gate change, I also get an adjustment in scenery. People are forced to find new seating arrangements so you get to do a little selective people watching that encompasses those who are about to share a giant flying coffin with you. Even though I have no say in the matter, I like to make a mental list of whom I would prefer to have sit beside me, and ready myself with person specific conversation topics should the need to fake personal interest arise. In the middle of this passenger screening I notice a woman who looks absolutely miserable. Crying and coughing, she tries her best to lay down in a chair. The woman is slightly obese and advanced in years. Because I am heartless and selfish, the first thing that enters my brain is "dear god, please don't let her sit by me on this plane. I know the odds are in my favor due to the planes size, but you know how my luck is. I'm not asking much... just for a little distance".

Fast forward four hours of flight delays...
SIDE STORY: I want to touch on this real quick before I forget. I was extremely pissed off that our flight was so late. So angry in fact, that I actually struck up conversations with strangers just so I could bitch about it. After we get on the plane, the captain explains that the prior flight had to be turned around midway b/c an older gentleman had a heart attack. I felt a bit like an ass about that one.
AND... we're back...

I've boarded the plane and stowed my carry-on luggage and make a visual sweep of the plane for the sick woman's location. A no-show. Excellent news because the plane is nearly full and there is a fair chance that this woman isn't even on my flight. I find my middle seat and say hello to the guy occupying the one closest the window. Not two seconds later, I look up to the front of the plane and she appears. Her presence and string of coughs through the first class section throw me into a panic. I know there are still ten or more seats open in front of me, so I watch her eyes for confirmation of a recognized seat number. Finally, a facial expression confirms that my worst case scenario has been realized. She will occupy my aisle seat.

The next three hours consist of me attempting to not vomit in my mouth every time she coughs without covering her mouth and invading the personal space of my window seat companion during my hopeless attempt to exit my own skin. In my list of worst things that could happen on a flight, this ranks just below everything that ends in a horrible fiery death. I would gladly have traded this for a plane where every seat is occupied by a crying baby except for the seats directly in front and behind me which are filled with 3-6 year olds that like to adjust/jump in and kick chairs respectively.

YET ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: The window seat guy was nice. He was in town for the electronics expo. The adult movie awards were also being held in Vegas that week, and I decided it was best not to attend.

After touching down, I shot out of the plane as quickly as the seatbelt sign went off. I knew it was too late to avoid catching whatever she had but I had to try. Three days passed with no warning signs. The morning we hit the road for Arizona it hits me. I feel awful and there's nothing I can do about it. Her time-bomb detonates just in time for my viewing of the national championship game. I felt like crap for the next three days, but having a crystal ball return to Auburn makes it more bearable.

The end.