Tuesday, March 29, 2011
The Kayak / Robber's Island
About six months ago I bought a kayak, and unlike the majority of impulse buys based around outdoor activities, I've actually put this thing to use enough times to officially say it was not a waste of money. The initial idea was that I wanted to get back into fishing but I didn't want to do anymore fishing from the sides of rivers and lakes like I had done through high school. The problem was that purchasing a boat right after buying a new truck was far over the line of fiscal irresponsibility. It just so happened that around that time a friend of mine named Joey had been talking about going kayak fishing on the bay. The stars aligned and I became the owner of a inexpensive (NOT CHEAP or poorly made) angler kayak from Bass Pro Shop. The kayak by itself cost me about $500, but the other items I purchased to make it fishing worthy, plus my fishing license, set me back another Benjamin. In the end, It looked like so:
So far I've been fishing in it three times, which probably doesn't seem like a lot. That's probably because it's not. The real value has come from casual paddles. The most recent being a casual paddle around Robber's Island, on the northern edge of Mobile, AL.
Robber's Island is a great place to paddle, especially if you are the curious type and like looking in people's back yards. It's extremely peaceful, due to the lack of motorboat traffic. There were even geese and a few turtles sunning on the exposed ends of fallen trees. There's not much else to say, so I'll just include a video of my brother and I paddling around a bit.
A Close Call
I don't know what prompted my mind to dig up this memory while I was at work, but I felt compelled to write it down.
For a couple of months after college, and before I had my first accounting job, I worked at a blockbuster movie rental place. Not as a manager mind you. I was just an normal hourly employee. Well, halfway through my employment there, the manager hired a very cute blond to work the evening hours. Upon first meeting her, you could tell she was raised in an area that could only be described as "very very country". Her accent was thick and she was a bit rough around the edges but very sweet.
After a few shifts working together I got up the courage to ask her out, and surprisingly got a very excited 'yes'. The happiness I had for this situation was short lived. The next evening, which happened to be my day off, her ex-boyfriend convinced her to help him rob the store after it closed. They were both caught and prosecuted.
For a couple of months after college, and before I had my first accounting job, I worked at a blockbuster movie rental place. Not as a manager mind you. I was just an normal hourly employee. Well, halfway through my employment there, the manager hired a very cute blond to work the evening hours. Upon first meeting her, you could tell she was raised in an area that could only be described as "very very country". Her accent was thick and she was a bit rough around the edges but very sweet.
After a few shifts working together I got up the courage to ask her out, and surprisingly got a very excited 'yes'. The happiness I had for this situation was short lived. The next evening, which happened to be my day off, her ex-boyfriend convinced her to help him rob the store after it closed. They were both caught and prosecuted.
The New Roof
I just wanted to share. I put a new roof on my house. With two people working we were able to complete this project in roughly two days. There are a couple things I learned during this home improvement. The first is that roofing really isn't as difficult as it seems. You just need good directions and a little time (and money). The second is that shingles are REALLY heavy, and carrying them up a ladder is not fun at all. That may honestly be the worst part.I guess I'll also add a third note. Owning a nail gun and a giant magnet come in really handy.
I'll throw in a picture at the bottom to explain why you want to own a magnet for this project. While I was up on the roof, I occasionally would notice a nail or two slipping away from me while I was ripping up old shingles but I was completely unaware of the true number. After everything was finished on the roof, I strapped a large magnet to the under-side of a shovel a began sweeping it back and forth over the front and back yard. My initial estimate was a couple dozen. The result was, as seen below, over a hundred.
So that's all for now. I plan on demolishing my back porch in the near future so I may take some video of that as well. Also, I just bought a ENO brand camping hammock for kayak trips. I'm sure I'll end up talking about it, either when it arrives or later when I finally get to use it on the trips I have coming up.
I'll throw in a picture at the bottom to explain why you want to own a magnet for this project. While I was up on the roof, I occasionally would notice a nail or two slipping away from me while I was ripping up old shingles but I was completely unaware of the true number. After everything was finished on the roof, I strapped a large magnet to the under-side of a shovel a began sweeping it back and forth over the front and back yard. My initial estimate was a couple dozen. The result was, as seen below, over a hundred.
So that's all for now. I plan on demolishing my back porch in the near future so I may take some video of that as well. Also, I just bought a ENO brand camping hammock for kayak trips. I'm sure I'll end up talking about it, either when it arrives or later when I finally get to use it on the trips I have coming up.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
How Not to Steal a Joke
I just received an Auburn joke via email from a friend, who in the past appeared to be of neutral "fandom" within the state of Alabama. I will spare you the majority of the joke's filler, but it goes mostly like so:
A farmer is with his cows and hears a noise coming from one of his cows. He gets closer and notices that the Auburn Fight Song is coming from the rear of one of his smaller calves. The farmer takes his cow to a local veterinarian who is a 4th generation University of Alabama graduate. The vet takes a listen, and agrees that the sound is the Auburn Fight Song. The farmer asks, "Why aren't you as surprised as me?" and the Vet replies, "I've been hearing that song come out of assholes for years".
Nice joke right? I thought so too, when I heard it as a joke about Alabama fans. It appears that a member of the Alabama NON-Alumni Association decided it would look better the other way around. I only assume that this fan did not graduate from either school because I would like to believe the majority of people who attend either school know that the University of Alabama does not have a veterinary program (A pre-vet undgrad does not count). Auburn, however, does.
If your going to steal a joke, pay attention to the details.
A farmer is with his cows and hears a noise coming from one of his cows. He gets closer and notices that the Auburn Fight Song is coming from the rear of one of his smaller calves. The farmer takes his cow to a local veterinarian who is a 4th generation University of Alabama graduate. The vet takes a listen, and agrees that the sound is the Auburn Fight Song. The farmer asks, "Why aren't you as surprised as me?" and the Vet replies, "I've been hearing that song come out of assholes for years".
Nice joke right? I thought so too, when I heard it as a joke about Alabama fans. It appears that a member of the Alabama NON-Alumni Association decided it would look better the other way around. I only assume that this fan did not graduate from either school because I would like to believe the majority of people who attend either school know that the University of Alabama does not have a veterinary program (A pre-vet undgrad does not count). Auburn, however, does.
If your going to steal a joke, pay attention to the details.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Something New
After eight solid hours of moving blog posts from MySpace, I'm finally free to start writing something new.
Although I really have nothing to say at the moment, I would like to take this opportunity to thank my friend Nathan for inspiring me to start writing again. You can check out his blog here.
There will definitely be new material within the next few days.
Although I really have nothing to say at the moment, I would like to take this opportunity to thank my friend Nathan for inspiring me to start writing again. You can check out his blog here.
There will definitely be new material within the next few days.
The Power of Three
Originally Posted: December 5, 2008
I wouldn't normally write about the crazy things I see during the day, but the things I witnessed were, within each instance, so odd that I could not go without sharing.
1. When I left my place, on the way to work this morning, I pulled out onto Hillcrest Rd behind a truck that looked to have a dog hanging onto the back of a truck bed for dear life. I realized very quickly that this dog was indeed already dead, stuffed and mounted on the rear end of a truck. "Mike's Taxidermy" on a sticker accompanied the once moving animal carcass. I understand the power of shock advertising... and it worked... I will never forget that a guy named mike will stuff anything that I decide to kill, but a dog?! I have to wonder if the dog shown was once his pet and he just felt obligated to mistreat his pet continuing into the afterlife.
2. The faker: I have just left the Compass bank on Hillcrest and noticed a Wave bus stopping down the road. For those of you unfamiliar with the "wave", it is Mobile's form of public transportation via bus. Anyway, the bus stops and a middle aged gentleman rolls up in an electric scooter, something around the 'Hover-round' variety, and the bus driver puts the bus in to Mexicano gangster mode. The hydraulics kick in for the chair lift and all of a sudden the guy pops out of his seat and grabs his scooter as if he is going to pick it up and lift it onto the bus. WTF?!
I didn't actually see him lift it b/c the light I was at turned green and I had to move along.
3. removed
(edited for reasons of drunken non-sense)
I wouldn't normally write about the crazy things I see during the day, but the things I witnessed were, within each instance, so odd that I could not go without sharing.
1. When I left my place, on the way to work this morning, I pulled out onto Hillcrest Rd behind a truck that looked to have a dog hanging onto the back of a truck bed for dear life. I realized very quickly that this dog was indeed already dead, stuffed and mounted on the rear end of a truck. "Mike's Taxidermy" on a sticker accompanied the once moving animal carcass. I understand the power of shock advertising... and it worked... I will never forget that a guy named mike will stuff anything that I decide to kill, but a dog?! I have to wonder if the dog shown was once his pet and he just felt obligated to mistreat his pet continuing into the afterlife.
2. The faker: I have just left the Compass bank on Hillcrest and noticed a Wave bus stopping down the road. For those of you unfamiliar with the "wave", it is Mobile's form of public transportation via bus. Anyway, the bus stops and a middle aged gentleman rolls up in an electric scooter, something around the 'Hover-round' variety, and the bus driver puts the bus in to Mexicano gangster mode. The hydraulics kick in for the chair lift and all of a sudden the guy pops out of his seat and grabs his scooter as if he is going to pick it up and lift it onto the bus. WTF?!
I didn't actually see him lift it b/c the light I was at turned green and I had to move along.
3. removed
(edited for reasons of drunken non-sense)
The Great Game of Golf
Originally Posted: November 29, 2008
Golf: (Noun) A sport intended to cause pain and anguish, instill a sense of humility as well as irrational optimism and create an unquenchable blood lusting hatred for all things nature in any and all persons attempting to play it.
I played golf with my Dad and Uncle this morning in Destin, Florida. The following thoughts went through my head today, just as they do every time I play golf:
1. " I should really put new grips on these clubs. My hands are starting to look like swiss cheese"
2. " I need to invest in sunscreen"
3. " Did I bring enough golf balls?"
4. " I wonder if someone will loan me some golf balls"
5. " Oh great, I left my pitching wedge on the last hole"
6. "I wonder if anyone else saw me only hit that ball 3 feet"
7. " I will NEVER be good at this game"
8. "I need to get a new fishing license"
9. "when is the beer cart girl coming around again?"
10. "Why did I wear slacks to a golf course just off the beach?"
11. "18 holes is way too many... what are we on? 16? Thank God... I will never play this game again"
12. Always on hole 18: "Man... those were some great shots. Maybe I should play next weekend"
On another note...
There may be a city ordinance that requires every Destin home within one mile of the beach to have an outdoor, screened in swimming pool. It is probably also recommended that you plant a lemon tree or two in your backyard. Next time you go there. Check it out... it's nuts. You live right by the beach and ALL of your neighbors have a swimming pool. Do you REALLY need your own?
Golf: (Noun) A sport intended to cause pain and anguish, instill a sense of humility as well as irrational optimism and create an unquenchable blood lusting hatred for all things nature in any and all persons attempting to play it.
I played golf with my Dad and Uncle this morning in Destin, Florida. The following thoughts went through my head today, just as they do every time I play golf:
1. " I should really put new grips on these clubs. My hands are starting to look like swiss cheese"
2. " I need to invest in sunscreen"
3. " Did I bring enough golf balls?"
4. " I wonder if someone will loan me some golf balls"
5. " Oh great, I left my pitching wedge on the last hole"
6. "I wonder if anyone else saw me only hit that ball 3 feet"
7. " I will NEVER be good at this game"
8. "I need to get a new fishing license"
9. "when is the beer cart girl coming around again?"
10. "Why did I wear slacks to a golf course just off the beach?"
11. "18 holes is way too many... what are we on? 16? Thank God... I will never play this game again"
12. Always on hole 18: "Man... those were some great shots. Maybe I should play next weekend"
On another note...
There may be a city ordinance that requires every Destin home within one mile of the beach to have an outdoor, screened in swimming pool. It is probably also recommended that you plant a lemon tree or two in your backyard. Next time you go there. Check it out... it's nuts. You live right by the beach and ALL of your neighbors have a swimming pool. Do you REALLY need your own?
Mobile Drivers, Chill the F Out
Originally Posted: November 24, 2008
Now, the torch is close to being passed on to Mobile, where not more than 3 months after I moved here was rear-ended at a red light... moving on.
I know I've already touched on bad driving before but I think this needs mentioning.
1. Personally, and this may be an annoyance for other drivers, I like to avoid stopping in front of side streets and entrance/exits to businesses as a courtesy to other drivers. Well, I was approaching a red light the other day and a couple of cars were trying to come out of a gas station and get into the opposite direction of traffic. I slowed to a stop with just enough distance between myself and the car ahead of me to allow these two cars to exit, and as the second car pulls out I begin to hear a car horn from directly behind me. The cars have exited, I pull up SIX FEET to let the car behind me us the same side street as an entrance and the horn stops. The car does not exit the main road as I thought it would. They just wanted their precious 72 inches of head start. What in the world could be so important that you require all cars to be bumper to bumper at all times. Are you going to miss the first two seconds of Judge Judy if I don't move up? Did your water just break and you needed the space to assure your timely arrival at the hospital? CHILL OUT! This is Mobile... wherever you are going... your not going to miss anything.
PS. THE LIGHT IS STILL RED!!!
2. Why is 8-12 miles over the speed limit not enough? I try to please you people and yet you still ride my ass. I'm going to start going 10 mph below the speed limit and take up multiple lanes again if yall don't watch it.
3. Did you all just buy your car yesterday? Are you unaware of the length of the front of your vehicle? Have you realized that while looking for an opening in traffic, you have already placed yourself halfway in the road? I can loan you all a tape measure... but your new prescription glasses will have to come out of your own pocket.
4. (I guess I will end with this) I understand the timing of lights in mobile is terrible, so this is the lesser of all evils, but the number of red lights run in this town is staggering. We could be leading the country in red light's run per capita. Lights along Airport Blvd alone have become a mere suggestion.
Current mood:
full
When I first drove to Atlanta, I was sure that this had to be the worst group of drivers in all of the country. Later I moved to Auburn and found that to be untrue. Five years later Birmingham scored the number one spot with their Christmas traffic.fullNow, the torch is close to being passed on to Mobile, where not more than 3 months after I moved here was rear-ended at a red light... moving on.
I know I've already touched on bad driving before but I think this needs mentioning.
1. Personally, and this may be an annoyance for other drivers, I like to avoid stopping in front of side streets and entrance/exits to businesses as a courtesy to other drivers. Well, I was approaching a red light the other day and a couple of cars were trying to come out of a gas station and get into the opposite direction of traffic. I slowed to a stop with just enough distance between myself and the car ahead of me to allow these two cars to exit, and as the second car pulls out I begin to hear a car horn from directly behind me. The cars have exited, I pull up SIX FEET to let the car behind me us the same side street as an entrance and the horn stops. The car does not exit the main road as I thought it would. They just wanted their precious 72 inches of head start. What in the world could be so important that you require all cars to be bumper to bumper at all times. Are you going to miss the first two seconds of Judge Judy if I don't move up? Did your water just break and you needed the space to assure your timely arrival at the hospital? CHILL OUT! This is Mobile... wherever you are going... your not going to miss anything.
PS. THE LIGHT IS STILL RED!!!
2. Why is 8-12 miles over the speed limit not enough? I try to please you people and yet you still ride my ass. I'm going to start going 10 mph below the speed limit and take up multiple lanes again if yall don't watch it.
3. Did you all just buy your car yesterday? Are you unaware of the length of the front of your vehicle? Have you realized that while looking for an opening in traffic, you have already placed yourself halfway in the road? I can loan you all a tape measure... but your new prescription glasses will have to come out of your own pocket.
4. (I guess I will end with this) I understand the timing of lights in mobile is terrible, so this is the lesser of all evils, but the number of red lights run in this town is staggering. We could be leading the country in red light's run per capita. Lights along Airport Blvd alone have become a mere suggestion.
Running is for the birds
Originally Posted: October 29, 2008
Of the 27 years of my existence, I have no clue what life event convinced me that running such a distance out of the blue was a good decision. It definitely could not have been the repeated years of bronchitis I get when hanging out in cold weather, the childhood asthma or my general lack of interest in distance running. This said, I still did it.
The run started off well enough, and my initial thought was "this may not be that bad". Literally 6 blocks down the road I was whisked back to reality when I began to cry internally. Being a ninja, I have trained my tears to fall inward to hide weakness... but that is an entirely different story. My 3 mile run quickly turned into a single mile run with a nice 2 mile walking tour of midtown at dusk followed by an awful headache and rubber legs. A fine evening by anyone's standards.
There is something to be said about a sport where you start and stop in generally the same spot using the longest, most out of the way route to get there while and the ultimate goal is to be allowed to stop doing the activity. If not for the health benefits, I'm quite sure this could be classified as an act of insanity.
As much as I have complained about the run... there is a decent chance I will do this again next week as long as it is a bit warmer out. It gets me out of the house... and what else am I going to do? Go to the gym that is closer to my house and that I'm currently paying for until my contract ends in a year? Yeah right...
Current mood:
exhausted
I was convinced last week that today I would run 3 miles for discounted food and beer from Mellow Mushroom. Sounds simple right? Sure it does. Unless perhaps you're like me and haven't jogged further than half a mile since the Fairhope Two Mile Fun Run... of 1991.exhaustedOf the 27 years of my existence, I have no clue what life event convinced me that running such a distance out of the blue was a good decision. It definitely could not have been the repeated years of bronchitis I get when hanging out in cold weather, the childhood asthma or my general lack of interest in distance running. This said, I still did it.
The run started off well enough, and my initial thought was "this may not be that bad". Literally 6 blocks down the road I was whisked back to reality when I began to cry internally. Being a ninja, I have trained my tears to fall inward to hide weakness... but that is an entirely different story. My 3 mile run quickly turned into a single mile run with a nice 2 mile walking tour of midtown at dusk followed by an awful headache and rubber legs. A fine evening by anyone's standards.
There is something to be said about a sport where you start and stop in generally the same spot using the longest, most out of the way route to get there while and the ultimate goal is to be allowed to stop doing the activity. If not for the health benefits, I'm quite sure this could be classified as an act of insanity.
As much as I have complained about the run... there is a decent chance I will do this again next week as long as it is a bit warmer out. It gets me out of the house... and what else am I going to do? Go to the gym that is closer to my house and that I'm currently paying for until my contract ends in a year? Yeah right...
Blame it on my youth
Originally Posted: October 27, 2008
1) I would like to apologize to all Alabama drivers of the past for the use of my sub woofers. That shit is SO ANNOYING! Why I ever thought it was cool is a mystery. I don't want to hear the base of your GD retarded rap song. Turn that shit off. I like my music with the original vacancy of trunk rattle.
2) Ladies, please take out your nose rings. They are disgusting. The small, single diamond stud whatever the hell it is isn't so terrible... but the ring... give it up. You might as well have a metal chain connecting it to your wallet. It looks awful.
This also goes for tongue jewelry. It was cool in the 90s, but as we all well know... the 90s was a mistake... ... ALL OF IT.
1) I would like to apologize to all Alabama drivers of the past for the use of my sub woofers. That shit is SO ANNOYING! Why I ever thought it was cool is a mystery. I don't want to hear the base of your GD retarded rap song. Turn that shit off. I like my music with the original vacancy of trunk rattle.
2) Ladies, please take out your nose rings. They are disgusting. The small, single diamond stud whatever the hell it is isn't so terrible... but the ring... give it up. You might as well have a metal chain connecting it to your wallet. It looks awful.
This also goes for tongue jewelry. It was cool in the 90s, but as we all well know... the 90s was a mistake... ... ALL OF IT.
Super Dogs
Originally Posted: October 23, 2008
It is roughly 3am, and I have just made it back to my apartment. Normally I would go directly to sleep but I feel it necessary to get the word out immediately for fear that I may be found out overnight and killed in my sleep.
Attention all,
Super Dogs are roaming the streets of Mobile, AL. They may seem to be normal dogs at first glance but let me assure you... they are incredibly intelligent and I can only assume are planning to take over the southern most part of Mobile and possibly Baldwin county.
These dogs, as of tonight, have mastered the art of the crosswalk... which I personally witnessed on the way home after 3 hours of watching "The Office:Season Four?" on DVD. At a red light that will not be mentioned, for the purpose of protecting myself from rabis and other such k9 diseases, A mass of dogs which amounts to roughly 7) were crossing the street just before the light turned red. At that exact moment, two dogs on the corner stopped, waited for traffic to pass and then continued across the street.
"PURE COINCIDENCE" you may say to yourself... in such a smug way... while sipping your whine and eating your fancy cheeses. NAY, I tell you good sir. These dogs were totally aware of their surroundings and an air of mischief was upon them. Beware for the era of the Super Dog is upon us! Tis a cursed fortnight... and I am ... obviously still drunk...
I'm going to bed... but those dogs were smart as hell... you should have seen them. It was very impressive.
It is roughly 3am, and I have just made it back to my apartment. Normally I would go directly to sleep but I feel it necessary to get the word out immediately for fear that I may be found out overnight and killed in my sleep.
Attention all,
Super Dogs are roaming the streets of Mobile, AL. They may seem to be normal dogs at first glance but let me assure you... they are incredibly intelligent and I can only assume are planning to take over the southern most part of Mobile and possibly Baldwin county.
These dogs, as of tonight, have mastered the art of the crosswalk... which I personally witnessed on the way home after 3 hours of watching "The Office:Season Four?" on DVD. At a red light that will not be mentioned, for the purpose of protecting myself from rabis and other such k9 diseases, A mass of dogs which amounts to roughly 7) were crossing the street just before the light turned red. At that exact moment, two dogs on the corner stopped, waited for traffic to pass and then continued across the street.
"PURE COINCIDENCE" you may say to yourself... in such a smug way... while sipping your whine and eating your fancy cheeses. NAY, I tell you good sir. These dogs were totally aware of their surroundings and an air of mischief was upon them. Beware for the era of the Super Dog is upon us! Tis a cursed fortnight... and I am ... obviously still drunk...
I'm going to bed... but those dogs were smart as hell... you should have seen them. It was very impressive.
Way of the WeMo
Originally Posted: October 20, 2008
Now I wasn't at this location all day when either of these events occurred but living nearby I passed these groups a couple times and was a little surprised by the results. The majority of people, some JUST leaving church, did not give money to the church fundraisers but people were giving the marines cash hand over fist. Now I'm not going to make judgement about people in my neck of the woods... b/c I never carry cash and didn't give to either group, and it could be the case with other people. I just found it interesting that in the bible belt, people were less willing to help out a religious group.
Current mood:
working
In the past few months there have been two "fundraisers" at the corner of Grelot and Hillcrest Road. The first was by a group of African-American individuals in Church attire raising funds for what I can only assume is for a new building. The second was a group of male marines holding signs that read "Marines helping Marines".workingNow I wasn't at this location all day when either of these events occurred but living nearby I passed these groups a couple times and was a little surprised by the results. The majority of people, some JUST leaving church, did not give money to the church fundraisers but people were giving the marines cash hand over fist. Now I'm not going to make judgement about people in my neck of the woods... b/c I never carry cash and didn't give to either group, and it could be the case with other people. I just found it interesting that in the bible belt, people were less willing to help out a religious group.
The "One Breathalyzer for Every Computer" Campaign
Originally Posted: October 17, 2008
The device should prohibit all postings to social networking sites and disallow the use of credit card information.
The reasoning: Only when drunk does one think a toaster oven welded to a clothes iron sound like a good Ebay purchase. "Wow! Imagine all the time I could save each morning". Worse than terrible purchases is the fact that you think every girl you know wants to hear how once you had an involuntary enema while water skiing. Guess what chief... they don't.
This is the start of my petition to Dell to get the ball rolling on this idea:
Sign Below:
Adam McKelroy
Current mood:
hungover
All new computers should come with built in breathalyzers that operationally kick in at roughly 9pm each evening.hungoverThe device should prohibit all postings to social networking sites and disallow the use of credit card information.
The reasoning: Only when drunk does one think a toaster oven welded to a clothes iron sound like a good Ebay purchase. "Wow! Imagine all the time I could save each morning". Worse than terrible purchases is the fact that you think every girl you know wants to hear how once you had an involuntary enema while water skiing. Guess what chief... they don't.
This is the start of my petition to Dell to get the ball rolling on this idea:
Sign Below:
Adam McKelroy
Attention Homeless People...
Originally Posted: October 10, 2008
I would like to inform the... probably one or fewer of you in the world based on those odds... that every day there is a box, bag and/or small cooler of food outside my neighbors door around noon and just after 5pm. I don't know where it comes from but it is guaranteed to be there daily, and my guess is that it is Delicious.
Having said this, here is fair warning. I have reason to believe that the person or people that live in that apartment are vampires and probably will kill you. They have never been seen entering or leaving that apartment during the daytime... or any time for that matter, so I can only assume that one possibility. With that, You can also expect that the food I mentioned is probably just bloody organs or those hospital bags of blood from blood banks.
Let me start over. For any of you homeless vampires or werewolves that have the internet, a myspace account, live in Mobile and read my blogs... I have reason to believe there are containers of blood outside my neighbors apartment every day at noon and 5pm. Help yourself to it... b/c I'm tired of seeing the shit there.
Current mood:
peaceful
Attention all homeless people... who happen to have computer/internet access and a myspace account... ... and are interested in my blogspeacefulI would like to inform the... probably one or fewer of you in the world based on those odds... that every day there is a box, bag and/or small cooler of food outside my neighbors door around noon and just after 5pm. I don't know where it comes from but it is guaranteed to be there daily, and my guess is that it is Delicious.
Having said this, here is fair warning. I have reason to believe that the person or people that live in that apartment are vampires and probably will kill you. They have never been seen entering or leaving that apartment during the daytime... or any time for that matter, so I can only assume that one possibility. With that, You can also expect that the food I mentioned is probably just bloody organs or those hospital bags of blood from blood banks.
Let me start over. For any of you homeless vampires or werewolves that have the internet, a myspace account, live in Mobile and read my blogs... I have reason to believe there are containers of blood outside my neighbors apartment every day at noon and 5pm. Help yourself to it... b/c I'm tired of seeing the shit there.
When It Rains
Originally Posted: September 17, 2008
When it rains... it doesn't always pour... sometimes it just drizzles... ALL DAY.
This story is as boring. Read at your own risk.
I woke up an hour early this morning to take my busted car into the shop (add no air conditioning to the list of things that need fixing) after a night of drinking whine and watching football until midnight (well the football didn't last that long). I have no one to blame but myself so I'll move .. taking my car into the repair shop... Enterprise wouldn't answer the phone so I had one of the mechanics drive me to the store so I wouldn't be late for work. Upon arrival and reservation check, I was informed my reservation claim number was being used by someone in Hoover, AL so I had to wait for the guy at the counter to call the insurance company and get a new number. This wasn't a terrible hassle... just time consuming for what little time I had to spare this morning. With that fixed, I ran into another obstacle. Apparently my drivers license expired last month so I couldn't be issued a car until I got a new one. "Perfect!"
The guy at the counter ended up driving me to work and Stacey (my "Fun Office" partner in crime) took me to the DMV over lunch. Neither of these things were terrible... you can just think of a thousand better things to spend your time on than going to the DMV... especially if you are there b/c someone else is a dumb ass that doesn't get his license renewed before it expires. Sorry Stacey.
Work was good... but I forgot to call Enterprise again until about 20 minutes before 5o'clock which I knew immediately spelled disaster. The guy I talked to on the phone who wrote down the directions to my place of work told me it would be a couple of minutes but I knew better. This may sound mean... and that's probably b/c it is... but sometimes you can tell over the phone if someone is "slow", and this was one of those time. Of course I turned out to be right... as it took the man over an hour to find me. This is why God created GPS... which he DID... so don't bother arguing that point.
As far as my trip back to the Enterprise building... lets just say I didn't realize and Altima could go from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds, nor that it could go from 60 to 0 in 3 seconds. I also didn't know that a smelly 60 yr old man could make me so uncomfortable in the passenger seat of a car. You would think someone that works at a car rental place would be safe... or at least demonstrate safe and proper driving habits before renting out a car to someone. This however was not the case. I dare say that he was the most frightening sober driver I have ever encountered... and I was in the car with him. Terrifying.
Anyway... I'm driving around a Ford Explorer for about a week. It rides smooth but has about as many blind spots as a Howitzer.
To sum up... it wasn't a terrible day... but it could have been much better. Just not having to step into the DMV would have made it that much more enjoyable. That place is like the breeding ground for future carnival attractions...
When it rains... it doesn't always pour... sometimes it just drizzles... ALL DAY.
This story is as boring. Read at your own risk.
I woke up an hour early this morning to take my busted car into the shop (add no air conditioning to the list of things that need fixing) after a night of drinking whine and watching football until midnight (well the football didn't last that long). I have no one to blame but myself so I'll move .. taking my car into the repair shop... Enterprise wouldn't answer the phone so I had one of the mechanics drive me to the store so I wouldn't be late for work. Upon arrival and reservation check, I was informed my reservation claim number was being used by someone in Hoover, AL so I had to wait for the guy at the counter to call the insurance company and get a new number. This wasn't a terrible hassle... just time consuming for what little time I had to spare this morning. With that fixed, I ran into another obstacle. Apparently my drivers license expired last month so I couldn't be issued a car until I got a new one. "Perfect!"
The guy at the counter ended up driving me to work and Stacey (my "Fun Office" partner in crime) took me to the DMV over lunch. Neither of these things were terrible... you can just think of a thousand better things to spend your time on than going to the DMV... especially if you are there b/c someone else is a dumb ass that doesn't get his license renewed before it expires. Sorry Stacey.
Work was good... but I forgot to call Enterprise again until about 20 minutes before 5o'clock which I knew immediately spelled disaster. The guy I talked to on the phone who wrote down the directions to my place of work told me it would be a couple of minutes but I knew better. This may sound mean... and that's probably b/c it is... but sometimes you can tell over the phone if someone is "slow", and this was one of those time. Of course I turned out to be right... as it took the man over an hour to find me. This is why God created GPS... which he DID... so don't bother arguing that point.
As far as my trip back to the Enterprise building... lets just say I didn't realize and Altima could go from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds, nor that it could go from 60 to 0 in 3 seconds. I also didn't know that a smelly 60 yr old man could make me so uncomfortable in the passenger seat of a car. You would think someone that works at a car rental place would be safe... or at least demonstrate safe and proper driving habits before renting out a car to someone. This however was not the case. I dare say that he was the most frightening sober driver I have ever encountered... and I was in the car with him. Terrifying.
Anyway... I'm driving around a Ford Explorer for about a week. It rides smooth but has about as many blind spots as a Howitzer.
To sum up... it wasn't a terrible day... but it could have been much better. Just not having to step into the DMV would have made it that much more enjoyable. That place is like the breeding ground for future carnival attractions...
Proving everything has an upside
Originally Posted: September 7, 2008
My parents dropped off their dog at my apartment for the weekend which I didn't think would be much of a problem... other than possibly on Saturday when I was expecting people over for football. Almost immediately after Max (the dog in this story) was left here, I knew I was in no way ready for the responsibility of owning my own dog. Maybe 'ready for the responsibility of' isn't the line I want to use... so... replace that with "unselfish enough to own". I in no way felt like walking, feeding or paying attention to him.Maybe it was because it was the weekend after a long week at work... who knows. That's not the point anyway so moving on.
Having said that, I took Max on a walk Saturday morning... when he woke me up (at 5:45!!!) for what I thought was a 'potty break'... but turned out to be him just wanting to sniff every bush and rock and car within 2 miles of my apartment. Later wanted out again so I took him away from all the people and dog smells and towards the woods behind our apartment complex.
This is the upside: To my amazement, as soon as we walked around the fence in the back... I saw a disc golf 'basket' through some trees. There is an 18 hold frisbee golf course right behind my apartment hidden in the woods. I'm stoked! I've never played but I'm going out monday to buy a disc set; maybe one for my brother as well. Not only did max drive me to finding this, I also have a good place to walk or jog in the evenings after work instead of using the treadmill in the apartment complexes "gym"...
To sum up... I don't want a dog, but it got me off my lazy ass for a weekend and I've found a new sport to be mediocre at.
My parents dropped off their dog at my apartment for the weekend which I didn't think would be much of a problem... other than possibly on Saturday when I was expecting people over for football. Almost immediately after Max (the dog in this story) was left here, I knew I was in no way ready for the responsibility of owning my own dog. Maybe 'ready for the responsibility of' isn't the line I want to use... so... replace that with "unselfish enough to own". I in no way felt like walking, feeding or paying attention to him.Maybe it was because it was the weekend after a long week at work... who knows. That's not the point anyway so moving on.
Having said that, I took Max on a walk Saturday morning... when he woke me up (at 5:45!!!) for what I thought was a 'potty break'... but turned out to be him just wanting to sniff every bush and rock and car within 2 miles of my apartment. Later wanted out again so I took him away from all the people and dog smells and towards the woods behind our apartment complex.
This is the upside: To my amazement, as soon as we walked around the fence in the back... I saw a disc golf 'basket' through some trees. There is an 18 hold frisbee golf course right behind my apartment hidden in the woods. I'm stoked! I've never played but I'm going out monday to buy a disc set; maybe one for my brother as well. Not only did max drive me to finding this, I also have a good place to walk or jog in the evenings after work instead of using the treadmill in the apartment complexes "gym"...
To sum up... I don't want a dog, but it got me off my lazy ass for a weekend and I've found a new sport to be mediocre at.
How to get Pneumonia and Hepatitis C Simultaniously
Originally Posted: September 3, 2008
The party started out with Christina,MA,Derrick and I throwing change together at a liquor store to get vodka and quickly turned into naptime brought on by a viewing of "Mean Girls" (which is actually one of my favorite movies). Right as people started waking up, Chandler showed up and immediately wanted to go play in the large water puddles. It's amazing how quickly you can turn into an 8 year old.
Parts of Brown Street were under roughly 2 feet of water so that was our first stop. Not having lived in Mobile before, I was not used to seeing so much standing water in the streets as Baldwin county has a little better irrigation. It was a lot of fun, even knowing that a majority of that water was overflow from the gutters... that's where the Hepititis comes into play... I thought I had cut my foot a few times while walking around.
Chris Lyon and Christina joined Chandler and I when we make the walk down Dauphin street and got only as far as Catherine before the bottom fell out of the clouds again and we ended up running back to MA's. I even got the chance to kick water on some little kids that were also playing in the streets with us.
Opportunities to be young again are great. you have to take advantage of them whenever you can... even if you do end up feeling like crap the next day.
OK... if you read all that, I'm very sorry. This was more for me to read later than anything else as I have very poor long term memory and would probably have forgotten this if I didn't write it down.
Current mood:grateful
Hurricane Gustav rolled through Mobile this past Monday morning and didn't really do as much as expected. The majority of our troubles were rain and tornado warning related. Seeing the weather was no real threat, M.A. and Derrick decided it would be a good time for a hurricane party.gratefulThe party started out with Christina,MA,Derrick and I throwing change together at a liquor store to get vodka and quickly turned into naptime brought on by a viewing of "Mean Girls" (which is actually one of my favorite movies). Right as people started waking up, Chandler showed up and immediately wanted to go play in the large water puddles. It's amazing how quickly you can turn into an 8 year old.
Parts of Brown Street were under roughly 2 feet of water so that was our first stop. Not having lived in Mobile before, I was not used to seeing so much standing water in the streets as Baldwin county has a little better irrigation. It was a lot of fun, even knowing that a majority of that water was overflow from the gutters... that's where the Hepititis comes into play... I thought I had cut my foot a few times while walking around.
Chris Lyon and Christina joined Chandler and I when we make the walk down Dauphin street and got only as far as Catherine before the bottom fell out of the clouds again and we ended up running back to MA's. I even got the chance to kick water on some little kids that were also playing in the streets with us.
Opportunities to be young again are great. you have to take advantage of them whenever you can... even if you do end up feeling like crap the next day.
OK... if you read all that, I'm very sorry. This was more for me to read later than anything else as I have very poor long term memory and would probably have forgotten this if I didn't write it down.
Top 5 Reasons I Hate Grelot Road
Originally Posted: August 28, 2008
5. Grelot has been mispronounced so often, that people will correct you with the incorrect pronunciation. IT'S FRENCH!
4. Morning Traffic, specifically the right lane on my way to work. I would include people taking their kids to school, but that's normal. What really gets me is the 6,000 people turning into the west mobile public library at 7:30 in the morning. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!?!? Seriously, this place has more visitors than a Wal-Mart super center on a daily basis and I'm starting to think it's a secret CIA facility.
3. The Little Caesars employees that hold the "Ready Now, $5" sign on the sidewalk during lunch. I don't dislike it because they are doing their job or because the company is advertising... I dislike it because they wave the sign around with enthousiasm. Why are you so happy? Your happiness at work makes me sick! Stop it.
2. 'The Mug' coffee shop/deli. Once a church, now a coffee shop. I've noticed that it has either 3 loyal customers, or 3 employees. Either way... I have no idea how this oversized failure of a business has lasted so long. Does a church still own the land and feel sorry for the business? Are they free of taxes? I'm confused, and that makes me mad.
1. The Motorcycle. This guy has flown between me an another car twice now just so he can pull into his apartment complex one light up the road. I care nothing for this person's safety b/c obviously they are not very concerned. I AM concerned, however, for the safety of myself and the condition of my car. I am very seriously considering swirving into him if he tries it again. It may mess up my car... but I will feel a lot better about teaching another person a very valuable lesson on personal safety.
5. Grelot has been mispronounced so often, that people will correct you with the incorrect pronunciation. IT'S FRENCH!
4. Morning Traffic, specifically the right lane on my way to work. I would include people taking their kids to school, but that's normal. What really gets me is the 6,000 people turning into the west mobile public library at 7:30 in the morning. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!?!? Seriously, this place has more visitors than a Wal-Mart super center on a daily basis and I'm starting to think it's a secret CIA facility.
3. The Little Caesars employees that hold the "Ready Now, $5" sign on the sidewalk during lunch. I don't dislike it because they are doing their job or because the company is advertising... I dislike it because they wave the sign around with enthousiasm. Why are you so happy? Your happiness at work makes me sick! Stop it.
2. 'The Mug' coffee shop/deli. Once a church, now a coffee shop. I've noticed that it has either 3 loyal customers, or 3 employees. Either way... I have no idea how this oversized failure of a business has lasted so long. Does a church still own the land and feel sorry for the business? Are they free of taxes? I'm confused, and that makes me mad.
1. The Motorcycle. This guy has flown between me an another car twice now just so he can pull into his apartment complex one light up the road. I care nothing for this person's safety b/c obviously they are not very concerned. I AM concerned, however, for the safety of myself and the condition of my car. I am very seriously considering swirving into him if he tries it again. It may mess up my car... but I will feel a lot better about teaching another person a very valuable lesson on personal safety.
Gospel Dreams, On the Gospel Channel
Originally Posted: Aug 2, 2008
If you (the reader) know of and/or like this show and believe yourself to be religious... you may want to stop reading b/c I'm about to upset you...
I'm going to try to stay organized with this thought... but my anger/disbelief may get the better of me... ok... here we go.
First off, don't get me wrong... I will never discourage anyone from praising God, but does it not seem wrong to have a show that has people compete for who can sing to GOD "the best"? Does it not also wrong to have people JUDGE the way you sing songs of worship. This ranks about as high up on my pet peeve chart as TV evangelists, Jumbotrons in churches (which I could go on about for hours) and robbing the elderly and homeless. The concept of this show is not only obsurd and just as degrading as American Idol but it also portrays worship through song as something reserved for only those that are gifted. Personally, I think the majority of people who sing professionally in the Gospel or Religious venue are basically the scam artists of the music industry but I can't see peoples true intentions so I'll let that go.
To sum up... I think "Gospel Dream" is a terrible concept that puts another black mark on "progressive" organized religion in general.
Current mood:drained
I went to work out today for the first time since I had surgery in mid-May and while I was on the treadmill watching the Gospel Channel (don't ask... it was already on the single TV in there and the two other people in the room seemed to be enjoying it) and an promo ad for another one of their shows came on. It didn't really catch my attention at first because I thought it was a clip promoting some live gospel concert but then some judges appeared and they said "see who makes it to the next round of Gospel Dreams!". Now having my full attention, I gathered from the final few seconds of the ad that this show is mimicing that of American Idol, Britain's Got Talent and the like.drainedIf you (the reader) know of and/or like this show and believe yourself to be religious... you may want to stop reading b/c I'm about to upset you...
I'm going to try to stay organized with this thought... but my anger/disbelief may get the better of me... ok... here we go.
First off, don't get me wrong... I will never discourage anyone from praising God, but does it not seem wrong to have a show that has people compete for who can sing to GOD "the best"? Does it not also wrong to have people JUDGE the way you sing songs of worship. This ranks about as high up on my pet peeve chart as TV evangelists, Jumbotrons in churches (which I could go on about for hours) and robbing the elderly and homeless. The concept of this show is not only obsurd and just as degrading as American Idol but it also portrays worship through song as something reserved for only those that are gifted. Personally, I think the majority of people who sing professionally in the Gospel or Religious venue are basically the scam artists of the music industry but I can't see peoples true intentions so I'll let that go.
To sum up... I think "Gospel Dream" is a terrible concept that puts another black mark on "progressive" organized religion in general.
Another Odd Dream
Originally Posted: April 4, 2007
Last nights dream, however, was so wierd I had to share it.
It began with an event that would NEVER happen. Kevin, JD, Gavin, Matt Jones and I were at a New Kids on the Block concert at the Wharf which featured Justin Timberlake. They had constructed a giant steel tower and the boy band + JT (Saying JT makes me hip) were at the top. I don’t remember what they were singing but Justin starts swinging outside the open sided platform by his microphone cord which is hanging ... from the sky I guess. It snaps and some girl playing guitar at the top pulls him in before he falls. After the song is over, roadies start shooting T-Shirts out of oversized microphones into the crowd and the VERY LAST shirt falls at my feet.
Thinking that it must be a lucky shirt, I take off my Iron Bowl 2003 shirt and throw it on top of my pile of stuff at my feet (in the stands) as everyone starts to exit the building. From out of nowhere a cleaning person runs up, grabs my Iron Bowl shirt and takes off with it thinking its a New Kid shirt that no one wants. With one arm still inside my new NKOB shirt I take after this guy yelling "hey, wait!" but the crowd is too loud for him to hear me and he disappears into the crowd.
Apparently losing a shirt throws me into a frenzy and I start attacking stage hands and clean up crew backstage demanding they find my T-shirt. To solve the problem they end up taking me to room in which cheap imitations of Ironbowl shirts are sold by some middle school band parents. They also have some kind of brown mesh sweater vest for women which they tried to give me. This only made me more angry so I left.
I ended up leaving without my Ironbowl shirt and was furious until I ended up in an elevator with Rick Astley. We chatted for a bit about his career and I introduced him to the Rick Roll on YouTube which cheered me up.
I then woke up.
BEAT THAT!
Current mood:
confident
I haven’t posted anything in quite some time b/c other than my trip to Europe, there has been little to talk about.confidentLast nights dream, however, was so wierd I had to share it.
It began with an event that would NEVER happen. Kevin, JD, Gavin, Matt Jones and I were at a New Kids on the Block concert at the Wharf which featured Justin Timberlake. They had constructed a giant steel tower and the boy band + JT (Saying JT makes me hip) were at the top. I don’t remember what they were singing but Justin starts swinging outside the open sided platform by his microphone cord which is hanging ... from the sky I guess. It snaps and some girl playing guitar at the top pulls him in before he falls. After the song is over, roadies start shooting T-Shirts out of oversized microphones into the crowd and the VERY LAST shirt falls at my feet.
Thinking that it must be a lucky shirt, I take off my Iron Bowl 2003 shirt and throw it on top of my pile of stuff at my feet (in the stands) as everyone starts to exit the building. From out of nowhere a cleaning person runs up, grabs my Iron Bowl shirt and takes off with it thinking its a New Kid shirt that no one wants. With one arm still inside my new NKOB shirt I take after this guy yelling "hey, wait!" but the crowd is too loud for him to hear me and he disappears into the crowd.
Apparently losing a shirt throws me into a frenzy and I start attacking stage hands and clean up crew backstage demanding they find my T-shirt. To solve the problem they end up taking me to room in which cheap imitations of Ironbowl shirts are sold by some middle school band parents. They also have some kind of brown mesh sweater vest for women which they tried to give me. This only made me more angry so I left.
I ended up leaving without my Ironbowl shirt and was furious until I ended up in an elevator with Rick Astley. We chatted for a bit about his career and I introduced him to the Rick Roll on YouTube which cheered me up.
I then woke up.
BEAT THAT!
Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger...
Originally Posted: November 27, 2007
1) He DESTROYED the Daft Punk song 'Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger". A song I once listened to for 2 hours straight has been raped by a lesser artist and I can never look at it the same again.
2a) Have any women even listened to the words in this song? If any regular Joe would come up to you in a bar and say the words he says, I would assume either a slap to the face or a knee to the groin would be the next course of action.
I'll share some lyrics:
"Bow in the presence of greatness","You should be honored by my lateness","But I know that God put you in front of me So how the hell could you front on me, There's a thousand yous And only one of me"
.... you stay classy ... planet Kanye's Head
2b) "I would do anything for a blonde dyke".... what?!? Newsflash, a blonde dyke would have no interest in you. I think you mean blonde bisexual... jackass
Current mood:
busy
Kanye West. It's no secret I'm not a fan of him or his music. I want to make 2 notes before I get back to doing payroll (yes... payroll made me think of Kanye West)busy1) He DESTROYED the Daft Punk song 'Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger". A song I once listened to for 2 hours straight has been raped by a lesser artist and I can never look at it the same again.
2a) Have any women even listened to the words in this song? If any regular Joe would come up to you in a bar and say the words he says, I would assume either a slap to the face or a knee to the groin would be the next course of action.
I'll share some lyrics:
"Bow in the presence of greatness","You should be honored by my lateness","But I know that God put you in front of me So how the hell could you front on me, There's a thousand yous And only one of me"
.... you stay classy ... planet Kanye's Head
2b) "I would do anything for a blonde dyke".... what?!? Newsflash, a blonde dyke would have no interest in you. I think you mean blonde bisexual... jackass
The Secret to New Age Marketing, Revealed!
Originally Posted: October 3, 2007
I'm now so confused by the correlation between product and "mini-series" commercials these days that I've had no choice but put my full attention on these brands.
Little Johnnie asks his mom: "Mom... I'm studying for a test... can you help me with this reasoning section"
Mom: " I'll certainly try Johnnie"
Little Johnnie: " Modern Day Cavemen are to Car Insurance what Playing practical jokes on Sasquatch is to ________"
Mom: " Beef Jerky of course"
Little Johnnie: " But that doesn't make sense mom"
Mom: "Of course not... it's absolutely rediculous... but so was naming you Johnnie... just go with it... no one else has noticed"
Of the most obsurdly irrelavant commercial topics, one recent addition has topped them all in my opinion... and NO... it's not the Viva Viagra commercial.... I'll paint you a picture (of this radio commercial)
Birds chirping in the background.
Man: " I can remember when I used to ride my bike around my neighborhood... it was so relaxing"
Young girl: "dad was teaching me how to ride my bike without training wheels the other day... I was halfway down the street before I realized he had let go. It was like I was flying!"
Man 2: I was cycling for charity across the state when I met my wife. I never thought on a simple bike ride I would find a riding partner for life. Who knew riding a bike would change my life
Wow... I have forgotten how much I loved to ride my bike!... there must be a bike store opening around here... or maybe they are having a Schwinn sale at K-mart.
Announcer: "Don't you wish banking was as easy as riding a bike...."
.... wait.... ..... did I miss something? I'm sorry... I must have lost you at some point... did you say something about banking just now... during my bike commercial?
Don't get me wrong... I'm sure there is some part of me that would love for "banking" in general to be ... easier... in whatever vauge form of the word you intend it. However, what does riding a bike have to do with banking? something about easy? Is that your only cohesive metaphor? biking is like banking.
As off target as you are... you should have at least tried to fool young people by throwing in others like "spinning spokes are like the revolving door at the front of our bank" or "your foot on the pedals is like our efforts to satisfy our customers".
Sure, It sounds dumb. But from what I've heard it fits the commercial perfectly.
Personally, I've blamed Mentos for the downfall of quality commercials for years.
Current mood:
bored
boredSo, what is the secret to new age marketing?
Apparently it's IRRELAVANCY!I'm now so confused by the correlation between product and "mini-series" commercials these days that I've had no choice but put my full attention on these brands.
Little Johnnie asks his mom: "Mom... I'm studying for a test... can you help me with this reasoning section"
Mom: " I'll certainly try Johnnie"
Little Johnnie: " Modern Day Cavemen are to Car Insurance what Playing practical jokes on Sasquatch is to ________"
Mom: " Beef Jerky of course"
Little Johnnie: " But that doesn't make sense mom"
Mom: "Of course not... it's absolutely rediculous... but so was naming you Johnnie... just go with it... no one else has noticed"
Of the most obsurdly irrelavant commercial topics, one recent addition has topped them all in my opinion... and NO... it's not the Viva Viagra commercial.... I'll paint you a picture (of this radio commercial)
Birds chirping in the background.
Man: " I can remember when I used to ride my bike around my neighborhood... it was so relaxing"
Young girl: "dad was teaching me how to ride my bike without training wheels the other day... I was halfway down the street before I realized he had let go. It was like I was flying!"
Man 2: I was cycling for charity across the state when I met my wife. I never thought on a simple bike ride I would find a riding partner for life. Who knew riding a bike would change my life
Wow... I have forgotten how much I loved to ride my bike!... there must be a bike store opening around here... or maybe they are having a Schwinn sale at K-mart.
Announcer: "Don't you wish banking was as easy as riding a bike...."
.... wait.... ..... did I miss something? I'm sorry... I must have lost you at some point... did you say something about banking just now... during my bike commercial?
Don't get me wrong... I'm sure there is some part of me that would love for "banking" in general to be ... easier... in whatever vauge form of the word you intend it. However, what does riding a bike have to do with banking? something about easy? Is that your only cohesive metaphor? biking is like banking.
As off target as you are... you should have at least tried to fool young people by throwing in others like "spinning spokes are like the revolving door at the front of our bank" or "your foot on the pedals is like our efforts to satisfy our customers".
Sure, It sounds dumb. But from what I've heard it fits the commercial perfectly.
Personally, I've blamed Mentos for the downfall of quality commercials for years.
What?!
Originally Posted: September 19, 2007
A student in Florida is tasered for asking questions to a civil servant and a 70 year old woman in Utah is arrested for not watering her yard! Are you fucking kidding me?
OJ Simpson murdered his ex-wife while "in such poor physical shape that he could not have done it"... and is now on tape having raided a hotel room to steal sports memorabilia... and chances are he will get another slap on the wrist. Meanwhile, someone's grandmother is in jail for baking cookies instead of setting the timer on her sprinkler system.
Absolutely amazing.
Also amazing is the number of erection related commercials recently. Viva Viagra? Viva discression would be nice. I don't want to hear about your inability to get wood... thanks for sharing though.
Still on the topic of commercials, why are suspense novels being advertised on television. "Experience the excitement... the intrigue... the suspense.... of Writey McNotimportant's new novel". If the story is so good... I would be in the middle of watching it on television, not hearing about it in a commercial. Keep your nonsense advertisements where they belong... in the window of a barnes and noble.
Current mood:
bitchy
What the hell is going on in this country? Has law enforcement in general lost it's damn mind?bitchyA student in Florida is tasered for asking questions to a civil servant and a 70 year old woman in Utah is arrested for not watering her yard! Are you fucking kidding me?
OJ Simpson murdered his ex-wife while "in such poor physical shape that he could not have done it"... and is now on tape having raided a hotel room to steal sports memorabilia... and chances are he will get another slap on the wrist. Meanwhile, someone's grandmother is in jail for baking cookies instead of setting the timer on her sprinkler system.
Absolutely amazing.
Also amazing is the number of erection related commercials recently. Viva Viagra? Viva discression would be nice. I don't want to hear about your inability to get wood... thanks for sharing though.
Still on the topic of commercials, why are suspense novels being advertised on television. "Experience the excitement... the intrigue... the suspense.... of Writey McNotimportant's new novel". If the story is so good... I would be in the middle of watching it on television, not hearing about it in a commercial. Keep your nonsense advertisements where they belong... in the window of a barnes and noble.
Yogi Berra Graduation Speech at St. Louis University
Originally Posted: Aug 6, 2007
"Thank you all for being here tonight. I know this is a busy time of year, and if you weren't here, you could probably be somewhere else. I especially want to thank the administration at St. Louis University for making this day necessary. It is an honor to receive this honorary degree.
It is wonderful to be here in St. Louis and to visit the old neighborhood. I haven't been back since the last time I was here. Everything looks the same, only different. Of course, things in the past are never as they used to be.
Before I speak, I have something I'd like to say. As you may know, I never went to college, or high school for that matter. To be honest, I'm not much of a public speaker, so I will try to keep this short as long as I can.
As I look out upon all of the young people here tonight, there are a number of words of wisdom I might depart. But I think the most irrelevant piece of advice I can pass along is this: "The most important things in life are the things that are least important. I could have gone a number of directions in my life. Growing up on the Hill, I could have opened a restaurant or a bakery. But the more time I spent in places like that, the less time I wanted to spend there. I knew that if I wanted to play baseball, I was going to have to play baseball. My childhood friend, Joe Garagiola, also became a big-league ballpayer, as did my son, Dale. I think you'll find the similarities in our careers are quite different.
You're probably wondering, how does a kid from the Hill become a New York Yankee and get in the Hall of Fame? Well, let me tell you something, if it was easy nobody would do it. Nothing is impossible until you make it possible.
Of course, times were different. To be honest, I was born at an early age. Things are much more confiscated now. It seems like a nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. But let me tell you, if the world was perfect, it wouldn't be. Even Napoleon had his Watergate. You'll make some wrong mistakes along the way, but only the wrong survive. Never put off until tomorrow what you can't do today. Denial isn't just a river in Europe.
Strive for success and remember you won't get what you want unless you want what you get. Some will choose a different path. If they don't want to come along, you can't stop them. Remember, none are so kind as those who will not see. Keep the faith and follow the Commandments: Do not covet thy neighbor's wife, unless she has nothing else to wear. Treat others before you treat yourself. As Franklin Eleanor Roosevelt once said, 'The only thing you have to fear is beer itself.' Hold on to your integrity, ladies and gentlemen. It's the one thing you really need to have; if you don't have it, that's why you need it. Work hard to reach your goals, and if you can't reach them, use a ladder. There may come a day when you get hurt and have to miss work. Don't worry, it won't hurt to miss work. Over the years, I have realized that baseball is really just a menopause for life. We all have limitations, but we also know limitation is the greatest form of flattery. Beauty is in the eyes of Jim Holder.
Half the lies you hear won't be true, and half the things you say, you won't ever say. As parents you'll want to give your children all the things you didn't have. But don't buy them an encyclopedia, make them walk to school like you did. Teach them to have respect for others, especially the police. They are not here to create disorder, they are here to preserve it.
Throughout my career, I found good things always came in pairs of three.
There will be times when you are an overwhelming underdog. Give 100 percent to everything you do, and when that's not enough, give everything you have left. 'Winning isn't everything, but it's better than rheumatism.'
I think Guy Lombardo said that.
Finally, dear graduates and friends, cherish this moment; it is a memory you will never forget. You have your entire future ahead of you. "Good luck and Bob's speed."
Current mood:chipper
May 19, 2007: St. Louis native Yogi Berra addresses the crowd on hand for the Saint Louis University graduation. (David Carson/P-D)chipper"Thank you all for being here tonight. I know this is a busy time of year, and if you weren't here, you could probably be somewhere else. I especially want to thank the administration at St. Louis University for making this day necessary. It is an honor to receive this honorary degree.
It is wonderful to be here in St. Louis and to visit the old neighborhood. I haven't been back since the last time I was here. Everything looks the same, only different. Of course, things in the past are never as they used to be.
Before I speak, I have something I'd like to say. As you may know, I never went to college, or high school for that matter. To be honest, I'm not much of a public speaker, so I will try to keep this short as long as I can.
As I look out upon all of the young people here tonight, there are a number of words of wisdom I might depart. But I think the most irrelevant piece of advice I can pass along is this: "The most important things in life are the things that are least important. I could have gone a number of directions in my life. Growing up on the Hill, I could have opened a restaurant or a bakery. But the more time I spent in places like that, the less time I wanted to spend there. I knew that if I wanted to play baseball, I was going to have to play baseball. My childhood friend, Joe Garagiola, also became a big-league ballpayer, as did my son, Dale. I think you'll find the similarities in our careers are quite different.
You're probably wondering, how does a kid from the Hill become a New York Yankee and get in the Hall of Fame? Well, let me tell you something, if it was easy nobody would do it. Nothing is impossible until you make it possible.
Of course, times were different. To be honest, I was born at an early age. Things are much more confiscated now. It seems like a nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. But let me tell you, if the world was perfect, it wouldn't be. Even Napoleon had his Watergate. You'll make some wrong mistakes along the way, but only the wrong survive. Never put off until tomorrow what you can't do today. Denial isn't just a river in Europe.
Strive for success and remember you won't get what you want unless you want what you get. Some will choose a different path. If they don't want to come along, you can't stop them. Remember, none are so kind as those who will not see. Keep the faith and follow the Commandments: Do not covet thy neighbor's wife, unless she has nothing else to wear. Treat others before you treat yourself. As Franklin Eleanor Roosevelt once said, 'The only thing you have to fear is beer itself.' Hold on to your integrity, ladies and gentlemen. It's the one thing you really need to have; if you don't have it, that's why you need it. Work hard to reach your goals, and if you can't reach them, use a ladder. There may come a day when you get hurt and have to miss work. Don't worry, it won't hurt to miss work. Over the years, I have realized that baseball is really just a menopause for life. We all have limitations, but we also know limitation is the greatest form of flattery. Beauty is in the eyes of Jim Holder.
Half the lies you hear won't be true, and half the things you say, you won't ever say. As parents you'll want to give your children all the things you didn't have. But don't buy them an encyclopedia, make them walk to school like you did. Teach them to have respect for others, especially the police. They are not here to create disorder, they are here to preserve it.
Throughout my career, I found good things always came in pairs of three.
There will be times when you are an overwhelming underdog. Give 100 percent to everything you do, and when that's not enough, give everything you have left. 'Winning isn't everything, but it's better than rheumatism.'
I think Guy Lombardo said that.
Finally, dear graduates and friends, cherish this moment; it is a memory you will never forget. You have your entire future ahead of you. "Good luck and Bob's speed."
Escambia County
Originally Posted: July 22, 2007
I went to visit Kevin at his new house (which was very nice by the way) this weekend and had the pleasure of going through Escambia County; one of the most interesting places I have been to. As for the entertainment, there is little other than the beach and a number of hole in the wall bars surrounded by souvenir shops. The true interest lies in the community itself. It's quit amazing how mixed the income classes are for a suburban-like setting. Driving around you see countless million dollar homes across from run down trailer parks. There was a thrift store with layaway down from a condo. Side Note: What could a thrift store have, which value would constitute the need for layaway? Honest question... I'm sure there is some situation... I just can't think of a good one. Would thrift stores carry antique weapons or furnitures? something of that nature.
Anyway... an interesting county. Nothing wrong with it... just different than what you usually see.
I went to visit Kevin at his new house (which was very nice by the way) this weekend and had the pleasure of going through Escambia County; one of the most interesting places I have been to. As for the entertainment, there is little other than the beach and a number of hole in the wall bars surrounded by souvenir shops. The true interest lies in the community itself. It's quit amazing how mixed the income classes are for a suburban-like setting. Driving around you see countless million dollar homes across from run down trailer parks. There was a thrift store with layaway down from a condo. Side Note: What could a thrift store have, which value would constitute the need for layaway? Honest question... I'm sure there is some situation... I just can't think of a good one. Would thrift stores carry antique weapons or furnitures? something of that nature.
Anyway... an interesting county. Nothing wrong with it... just different than what you usually see.
Blonde Joke
Originally Posted: July 16, 2007
A blonde called her boyfriend and said," Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde replied, " According to the pcture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides go go over and help with the puzzle. Upon arrival she lets him in and shows him to where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, " First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then... let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
Current mood:
amused
I stole this off Taylor Norton's Facebook Profile:amusedA blonde called her boyfriend and said," Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde replied, " According to the pcture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides go go over and help with the puzzle. Upon arrival she lets him in and shows him to where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, " First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then... let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
Accountant Rap
Originally Posted: July 13, 2007
Current mood:
awake
awakeI think the reason I have a bad relationship with rap music is that I don't know how to relate to most of the topics. I've never busted a cap, or pimped out my bitches or any other generic/over used rap topic. I could probably enjoy it more if it pertained to my career choice. I've decided to alter some rap songs to suite my lifestyle. These are what I have thought of so far this morning... and I'm hoping to get some full songs out at some point in time.
"toy soldier (50 cent)" - "bookkeeper soldier": 'you wanna check that tax?! Ima check that tax! you don't wanna mess with my book keepersoldier... cause when its on its on until your audit is over! you dont wanna mess with my book keepersoldiers!
"poppin' my collar (three 6 mafia)" - "buttonin' my collar": I've been buttonin' buttonin' ... buttonin' buttonin'... Ever since I started workin' I've been buttonin' my collar...
Ok... they have not been perfected, but I think I am on to something here. More to come... (hopefully)
Drunk Dial Dictation
Originally Posted: July 11, 2007
It is as follows: (dedicated to the owners of the voices whose names will remain anonymous)
"W.A.M. (my name...),
(racial slur, racial slur, racial slur, racial slur) we're at the GD kristal burger bc you fckin' (racial slur)'ed (his or her) car out, and there is no GD oh shit handle inthe car for me to grab when (so and so's) is going around turns and it's all your fcking fault right now! It is your fault, your fault. We need repositions... reporations... Reporations!... 40 acres and a mule bitch! ... (background: yeah... you shoot me bitch) ... 2 mules and 80 acres! (slur, slur, slur) spiffl, sif, siffu... navigatorssss. We're about to get beat up here at the waffle 'r arbys melt. So... I hope your fcking happy that I didn't have a (slur) bar when I needed one. I hope your happy.
Bye."
And to think I slept through this call... unfortunate.
Current mood:amused
I figured being that every person at work is their bosses personal secretary at some point in time... that I should freshen up on my dictation. And what better way to do that than to type out the drunken phone message I received at some unkown time last night.amusedIt is as follows: (dedicated to the owners of the voices whose names will remain anonymous)
"W.A.M. (my name...),
(racial slur, racial slur, racial slur, racial slur) we're at the GD kristal burger bc you fckin' (racial slur)'ed (his or her) car out, and there is no GD oh shit handle in
Bye."
And to think I slept through this call... unfortunate.
The Idea of US Sports Dominance
Originally Posted: July 10, 2007
I may have to stop watching and listening to anything ESPN produces. It seems that I am annoyed by basically anything they do anymore. Here is the most recent reason (and I realize its not ESPN's fault for this one):
There is a ... "atheletes of now" bracket... or something along those lines, which compares athletes of different sports and compares them on what appears to be what they do on and off the playing field, and measures their "greatness". I only had to watch one comparison to have enough of this bullshit bracket, decided by the bias, retarded majority of american sports fans. The match up was Kobe Bryant vs Ronaldinho. (I just looked at ESPN.com and saw that Steve Nash was considered more 'now' that serena williams... that just pisses me off more)
If you don't know who Ronaldinho is, He is a Brazilian soccer player. This is a bit about him.(as listed by wikipedia) Among his many achievements and accolades, Ronaldinho has been awarded the FIFA World Player of the Year award twice (2004, 2005), as well as the European Footballer of the Year award and the FIFPro World Player of the Year award twice (2005, 2006).[3] He has downplayed suggestions that he is the best footballer in the world.
I want to note that Ronaldinho is judged as the best player in the WORLD. the WORLD. not the NBA. THE WORLD. can anyone tell me what place the US came in, in the last olympics (a world-wide competition)? I'm pretty sure it wasn't even 2nd place. (granted international basketball is a bit different)
I'll give Kobe Bryant some props though. He was on the team that won 3 straight NBA Championships, of course he hasn't been able to do that since Shaq left. He also may have 'raped' a young girl... thats pretty 'NOW' if you ask me
July 8: (3) Kobe Bryant def. (6) Ronaldinho (60.8% - 39.2%). Unreal. Some people have extremely unrealistic views of the greatness of American atheletes.
Voxtrot Trip
Originally Posted: July 6, 2007
This is my telling of our trip to see Voxtrot in Baton Rouge, LA
(the format is awful b/c I copy/pasted it from MySpace IM)
I left work at 5, ran home, packed, showered and left around 6
Grabbed heather from her apt, and went to Chik-fil-A for driving food
I ordered 2 chicken sandwiches, to which Heather called me a fatty... so I changed my order to one
which was good b/c I wasn't that hungry
Driving for about an hour, I noticed a cloud that looked like a giant penis... so heather decided to take a picture of it
it was dusk... so it even had a pinkish tint
it was kinda funny
We learned 2 things on the way there; Heather has a gentleman admirer and that talking like a foreign deaf man is very funny.
The directions told us to get off a certain street and we did... and not 10 seconds off the interstate and we are in SUPER GHETTO
I was not happy
and the directions ended in .05 miles
So I was like, I don't care how far I've driven, I am not parking in this neighborhood. Fortunately the directions were wrong
and it was much further down the street... closer to LSU's campus
I knew it was going to be ok when I saw a public library
those are like invisible fences for ghetto residents
We got to the bar around 9:45... and found out that the band that was playing before voxtrot wouldnt start until 11... which was a bit longer than we expected so we started drinking.
I flirted with the bartender Ashley a bit... it was entertaining
turns out two of the bartenders were named ashley ... which was convenient when I needed another drink
I just had to yell one name
People in Louisiana have pretty good timing apparently... b/c people started pouring in at 11
Palomar (an all girl rock band) was the "starter" band
I can appreciate 30 yr old, hot musicians... especially when their music is awesome
Before people showed up, I hunted down the band members of voxtrot to say hey
tell them we were fans of their music...
We got a picture with the lead singer
He was a really nice guy
Heather got really trashed during Voxtrot... nearly non-functional trashed
if you watched seinfeld (which I don't) and you know how Elaine dances... Heather came close to that near the stage
Then some monster chick ran to get on stage and stepped on her beer... shattering the glass
There were some total fruitloops at the bar too... One huge dork had his hair bleached and was wearing this pull-over straight out of 1983
it was hidious
anyway
I got a picture with my bartender... who at the end of the night had changed my name to matt
I think she saw McKelroy... and just forgot
She was in love with me obviously
Before we left, Heather went up to the members of Palomar to tell them they were awesome
She even said "I want to be you"... "but Adam says I'm too old to start"... which I don't remember saying... but I wouldn't put it past me. Heather asked the bass player how old she was. Turns out she was 30... and she looked like 27... so close.
She gave me 25 dollars at the beginning of our drinking to "cover" hers... which a portion went to shots, $12 went to the Palomar T'shirt she made me buy... and the rest went to Burger King
OH... Burger King was great.... heather made me pull over in this empty parking lot so she could pee. And she didn't go for cover... just right outside my door.
It was hilarious
then when we drove off to get in the drive through line she goes... "look... I made that pee"
and pointed.
We ordered and drove up to the window... and I hear my passenger side window roll down and then a Thud.
I look over and Heather has grabbed the 2nd Chick-fil-A cup... and is about to toss it out the window...
"Heather... don't!... don't you do it"... and she gives me this 5yr olds devious grin... like .. you know I'm going to.
I'm crying laughing at this point when the guy gives us our food.
and we continue driving back to Mobile
I devour my burger and she eats the middle... leaving the "crust" of it in her sandwich bag...
I finally got to the point that I was so tired (it being somewhere between 2:30 and 3:30 in the morning)that I pulled off the first exit I came to
and seeing as there were no hotels or motels I parked behind what appeared to be a fairly new office building
I hopped out, grabbed some pajama pants I had in the car, emptied out the back and folded down my seats to make a bed
I thought I cracked my windows just enough to let fresh, cool air in, but not so wide open that a swarm of mosquitoes would eat us alive.
problem is that I didn't roll them down .... at all.
I woke up at 6am in a pool of sweat... it was disgusting
(EDITED IN: When heather found her crust either before or after sleeping, I can't remember, she says "I don't know what this shit is... but I'M EATING IT". )
After we stopped for gas, and bottled water we drove back to mobile, then I to daphne. I then slept the entire day Saturday.
There is my stream of thought story
Hope you enjoyed it.
This is my telling of our trip to see Voxtrot in Baton Rouge, LA
(the format is awful b/c I copy/pasted it from MySpace IM)
I left work at 5, ran home, packed, showered and left around 6
Grabbed heather from her apt, and went to Chik-fil-A for driving food
I ordered 2 chicken sandwiches, to which Heather called me a fatty... so I changed my order to one
which was good b/c I wasn't that hungry
Driving for about an hour, I noticed a cloud that looked like a giant penis... so heather decided to take a picture of it
it was dusk... so it even had a pinkish tint
it was kinda funny
We learned 2 things on the way there; Heather has a gentleman admirer and that talking like a foreign deaf man is very funny.
The directions told us to get off a certain street and we did... and not 10 seconds off the interstate and we are in SUPER GHETTO
I was not happy
and the directions ended in .05 miles
So I was like, I don't care how far I've driven, I am not parking in this neighborhood. Fortunately the directions were wrong
and it was much further down the street... closer to LSU's campus
I knew it was going to be ok when I saw a public library
those are like invisible fences for ghetto residents
We got to the bar around 9:45... and found out that the band that was playing before voxtrot wouldnt start until 11... which was a bit longer than we expected so we started drinking.
I flirted with the bartender Ashley a bit... it was entertaining
turns out two of the bartenders were named ashley ... which was convenient when I needed another drink
I just had to yell one name
People in Louisiana have pretty good timing apparently... b/c people started pouring in at 11
Palomar (an all girl rock band) was the "starter" band
I can appreciate 30 yr old, hot musicians... especially when their music is awesome
Before people showed up, I hunted down the band members of voxtrot to say hey
tell them we were fans of their music...
We got a picture with the lead singer
He was a really nice guy
Heather got really trashed during Voxtrot... nearly non-functional trashed
if you watched seinfeld (which I don't) and you know how Elaine dances... Heather came close to that near the stage
Then some monster chick ran to get on stage and stepped on her beer... shattering the glass
There were some total fruitloops at the bar too... One huge dork had his hair bleached and was wearing this pull-over straight out of 1983
it was hidious
anyway
I got a picture with my bartender... who at the end of the night had changed my name to matt
I think she saw McKelroy... and just forgot
She was in love with me obviously
Before we left, Heather went up to the members of Palomar to tell them they were awesome
She even said "I want to be you"... "but Adam says I'm too old to start"... which I don't remember saying... but I wouldn't put it past me. Heather asked the bass player how old she was. Turns out she was 30... and she looked like 27... so close.
She gave me 25 dollars at the beginning of our drinking to "cover" hers... which a portion went to shots, $12 went to the Palomar T'shirt she made me buy... and the rest went to Burger King
OH... Burger King was great.... heather made me pull over in this empty parking lot so she could pee. And she didn't go for cover... just right outside my door.
It was hilarious
then when we drove off to get in the drive through line she goes... "look... I made that pee"
and pointed.
We ordered and drove up to the window... and I hear my passenger side window roll down and then a Thud.
I look over and Heather has grabbed the 2nd Chick-fil-A cup... and is about to toss it out the window...
"Heather... don't!... don't you do it"... and she gives me this 5yr olds devious grin... like .. you know I'm going to.
I'm crying laughing at this point when the guy gives us our food.
and we continue driving back to Mobile
I devour my burger and she eats the middle... leaving the "crust" of it in her sandwich bag...
I finally got to the point that I was so tired (it being somewhere between 2:30 and 3:30 in the morning)that I pulled off the first exit I came to
and seeing as there were no hotels or motels I parked behind what appeared to be a fairly new office building
I hopped out, grabbed some pajama pants I had in the car, emptied out the back and folded down my seats to make a bed
I thought I cracked my windows just enough to let fresh, cool air in, but not so wide open that a swarm of mosquitoes would eat us alive.
problem is that I didn't roll them down .... at all.
I woke up at 6am in a pool of sweat... it was disgusting
(EDITED IN: When heather found her crust either before or after sleeping, I can't remember, she says "I don't know what this shit is... but I'M EATING IT". )
After we stopped for gas, and bottled water we drove back to mobile, then I to daphne. I then slept the entire day Saturday.
There is my stream of thought story
Hope you enjoyed it.
Work Email
Originally Posted: June 26, 2007
I get some interesting Emails at work from time to time, and I found this one interesting so I'd lik you to check out this little portion and see if you find anything wrong:
"Unfortunately, more men and women die from heart disease than any other disease. Even more unfortunate is that in most cases, heart disease is preventable. A healthy diet rich in fruits and vegetables and low in saturated fats and sodium can significantly reduce your risk for heart disease...."
I particularly like the first sentense. Unfortunately, testicular cancer cases are on the decrease and are not killing as many people as we would have liked this year. Though sharks have begun to attack more children, we currently have to settle for heart disease being at the forfront of death.
Note: Always have someone proof read. (though I wont)
I get some interesting Emails at work from time to time, and I found this one interesting so I'd lik you to check out this little portion and see if you find anything wrong:
"Unfortunately, more men and women die from heart disease than any other disease. Even more unfortunate is that in most cases, heart disease is preventable. A healthy diet rich in fruits and vegetables and low in saturated fats and sodium can significantly reduce your risk for heart disease...."
I particularly like the first sentense. Unfortunately, testicular cancer cases are on the decrease and are not killing as many people as we would have liked this year. Though sharks have begun to attack more children, we currently have to settle for heart disease being at the forfront of death.
Note: Always have someone proof read. (though I wont)
A New Points Leader
Originally Posted: June 25, 2007
For a good while, Puff Daddy, Nicholaus Cage and Bill Mahr sat atop my list of people I hate most on this planet. Today I would like to announce a new leader of the self-absorbed idiots club. "reverend" Jessie 'the fucking racist' Jackson.
I am not sure what I dislike about him more, the fact that he complains more than I do, or that what he complains about has no relevance to anything resembling an important topic, yet still gets so much attention from the press.
I saw this jackass for only 10 minutes in the news, because he was standing outside some firing range, probably protesting that the people shooting guns were white, and the targets were the targets that have black outlined figures. OR perhaps some white person stepped on a black ant or beetle and he wanted to examine the scene of the crime. Regardless of what retarded and racist motive he had, he was blocking the entrance of a business, and the owner asked him to move, they got in an arguement and supposedly the owner pushed him back from the entrance and Jessie Jackson wanted to file assault charges. (Ladies and children please ignore this next sentence) What a fucking douchebag! For starting trouble at a firing range, your lucky your dumb ass was just shoved. Personally I would have paid someone's bail to have seen you shot in the face. He later complained that the Police wouldn't let him file a complaint. "they denied me my legal right to complain"... If you want to complain, start a myspace blog, get more than 10 kudos (from myself or someone with half a brain) and then maybe we'll let you back on TV. Until then, shut the fuck up!
For a good while, Puff Daddy, Nicholaus Cage and Bill Mahr sat atop my list of people I hate most on this planet. Today I would like to announce a new leader of the self-absorbed idiots club. "reverend" Jessie 'the fucking racist' Jackson.
I am not sure what I dislike about him more, the fact that he complains more than I do, or that what he complains about has no relevance to anything resembling an important topic, yet still gets so much attention from the press.
I saw this jackass for only 10 minutes in the news, because he was standing outside some firing range, probably protesting that the people shooting guns were white, and the targets were the targets that have black outlined figures. OR perhaps some white person stepped on a black ant or beetle and he wanted to examine the scene of the crime. Regardless of what retarded and racist motive he had, he was blocking the entrance of a business, and the owner asked him to move, they got in an arguement and supposedly the owner pushed him back from the entrance and Jessie Jackson wanted to file assault charges. (Ladies and children please ignore this next sentence) What a fucking douchebag! For starting trouble at a firing range, your lucky your dumb ass was just shoved. Personally I would have paid someone's bail to have seen you shot in the face. He later complained that the Police wouldn't let him file a complaint. "they denied me my legal right to complain"... If you want to complain, start a myspace blog, get more than 10 kudos (from myself or someone with half a brain) and then maybe we'll let you back on TV. Until then, shut the fuck up!
Old People and Laundry
Originally Posted: June 22, 2007
This blog isn't actually about old people and their laundry, I just thought it was a fun title. Sorry to get your hopes up. However it does involve old people... so read on.
There have been many debates between people about the age at which a person should be either re-evaluated for continuance of driving privileges or should be banned from sitting behind the wheel. I think I discovered the solution on the way to work today, whilest trailing a Windstar minivan at a snails pace. It is apparent that in the later years, some drivers decide that going a constant 3 to 4 mph below the stated limit is a safer speed. I believe that subconsciously, they are saying to themselves, I do not feel comfortable driving at or above the normal speed for this road, and to do so would endanger myself. In cases such as this, I not only agree that their driving endangers them, but also pisses me off to no end. It is at this point in which your license should be taken away and replaced with a license for your youngest of kin (be they but 12). I would rather have preteens and reckless grannies flying down the road weaving side to side than going slow. At least the wild ones keep me alert. It would make driving fun and exciting again, like it was before I was legal to drive. Thats my 2 or 3 cents.
Now for the laundry portion of the show....
I was at work yesterday morning and recieved an email about a room down the hall being converted into a server room. In the email they mentioned that a very potent smelling solution would be used on the floors to make it static resistant. After reading this I started working, put my chin on the palm of my left hand and slowly started smelling something familiar to my laundry room. Puzzled, I smelled my shirt around the top of my sleeve, but that was not the source. I assumed it had to have been the solution on the floor. Floor solution that smells like laundry room... I can deal with that. Hours go by with on and off whiffs of that same fragrance. Just after lunch I'm walking into my bosses office when I notice something resembling a handkerchief around my left wrist. I pull it out. Drier sheet. A damn drier sheet had been in the cuff of my shirt all day and that was what I was smelling. I found it amusing and slightly embarassing... so I figured I'd share.
Have a good day.
This blog isn't actually about old people and their laundry, I just thought it was a fun title. Sorry to get your hopes up. However it does involve old people... so read on.
There have been many debates between people about the age at which a person should be either re-evaluated for continuance of driving privileges or should be banned from sitting behind the wheel. I think I discovered the solution on the way to work today, whilest trailing a Windstar minivan at a snails pace. It is apparent that in the later years, some drivers decide that going a constant 3 to 4 mph below the stated limit is a safer speed. I believe that subconsciously, they are saying to themselves, I do not feel comfortable driving at or above the normal speed for this road, and to do so would endanger myself. In cases such as this, I not only agree that their driving endangers them, but also pisses me off to no end. It is at this point in which your license should be taken away and replaced with a license for your youngest of kin (be they but 12). I would rather have preteens and reckless grannies flying down the road weaving side to side than going slow. At least the wild ones keep me alert. It would make driving fun and exciting again, like it was before I was legal to drive. Thats my 2 or 3 cents.
Now for the laundry portion of the show....
I was at work yesterday morning and recieved an email about a room down the hall being converted into a server room. In the email they mentioned that a very potent smelling solution would be used on the floors to make it static resistant. After reading this I started working, put my chin on the palm of my left hand and slowly started smelling something familiar to my laundry room. Puzzled, I smelled my shirt around the top of my sleeve, but that was not the source. I assumed it had to have been the solution on the floor. Floor solution that smells like laundry room... I can deal with that. Hours go by with on and off whiffs of that same fragrance. Just after lunch I'm walking into my bosses office when I notice something resembling a handkerchief around my left wrist. I pull it out. Drier sheet. A damn drier sheet had been in the cuff of my shirt all day and that was what I was smelling. I found it amusing and slightly embarassing... so I figured I'd share.
Have a good day.
Charlie and the Chocolate Crap Movie
Originally Posted: June 17, 2007
I was attempting to watch the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on TBS, but 2 songs into it, I couldn't take it anymore. People say that the new one was supposed to be more 'dark' and in line with the book. I wouldn't know because I don't read (I don't know how... and to be honest... I'm amazed that I've made all these blogs. I just push buttons and whatever the spell checker makes of the jumbled words is what gets posted.)
SO, I'm a big fan of singing songs at my house. Aloud. Especially if it's songs from old movies. This said, during the new charlie and the chocolate factory, I began singing the old songs during the new movie in an attempt to make it better (not even J.Depp could make this stinker good). I had no problem singing the first song, from when Charlie found the last golden ticket, " I never dreamed that I could fly, over the moon in ecstasy.... etc." It's one of my favorite songs. I had no problem singing it... b/c they completely removed that song. BOO. BOO to you good sirs. I would also like to note that the umpa lumpa songs no longer had any potent moral values included. They were just some sad form of crappy midget pop. Once song 2 came about, post Violet turning violet, I was ready to change the channel. I'll take an old, well written and produced older movie over a new graphically enhanced turd on tape any day of the week.
For you poor people that are unfamiliar with some movies that have been tragically redone, I would like to inform you of their originals. Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971), The Nutty Professor(1963), Dr. Dolittle(1967), The Shaggy Dog(1959), Fun with Dick and Jane (1977), Flight of the Pheonix (1965)
From what I hear, soon to be added to this list: Tron(1982)
I hate those bastards at Disney.
"Cause I've got a golden ticket. I've got a golden chance to make my way... and with a golden ticket its a golden day!"
I was attempting to watch the new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on TBS, but 2 songs into it, I couldn't take it anymore. People say that the new one was supposed to be more 'dark' and in line with the book. I wouldn't know because I don't read (I don't know how... and to be honest... I'm amazed that I've made all these blogs. I just push buttons and whatever the spell checker makes of the jumbled words is what gets posted.)
SO, I'm a big fan of singing songs at my house. Aloud. Especially if it's songs from old movies. This said, during the new charlie and the chocolate factory, I began singing the old songs during the new movie in an attempt to make it better (not even J.Depp could make this stinker good). I had no problem singing the first song, from when Charlie found the last golden ticket, " I never dreamed that I could fly, over the moon in ecstasy.... etc." It's one of my favorite songs. I had no problem singing it... b/c they completely removed that song. BOO. BOO to you good sirs. I would also like to note that the umpa lumpa songs no longer had any potent moral values included. They were just some sad form of crappy midget pop. Once song 2 came about, post Violet turning violet, I was ready to change the channel. I'll take an old, well written and produced older movie over a new graphically enhanced turd on tape any day of the week.
For you poor people that are unfamiliar with some movies that have been tragically redone, I would like to inform you of their originals. Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971), The Nutty Professor(1963), Dr. Dolittle(1967), The Shaggy Dog(1959), Fun with Dick and Jane (1977), Flight of the Pheonix (1965)
From what I hear, soon to be added to this list: Tron(1982)
I hate those bastards at Disney.
"Cause I've got a golden ticket. I've got a golden chance to make my way... and with a golden ticket its a golden day!"
Executive Decision No 2
Originally Posted: June 17, 2007
In this case I'm not just referring to dating, but friendships as well. For a long time I have guarded myself (and to be honest still do) from all people, and I only have a limited number of close friends which I get to know very well. As you get to know them, I have realized that we are all so screwed up. For so long I thought that we were the only normal people on the face of this planet, and I'm ashamed to say that I have been wrong for so long. We weren't the normal, we were just a different form of screwed up, but just as screwed up as everyone else. I don't say this to offend any of my friends. On the contrary, I think that's why I have such a strong bond with those I really call my friends.
I wish I was able to organize my thoughts a little more on the subject, but this all hit my last night driving home from a party, and I needed to write it down while it was some-what fresh on my mind.
Basically I love my screwed up friends. Thanks for the craziness. It keeps me 'sane'.
EDIT: I completely forgot to put what my exec. decision was.
I have decided that instead of "not making any new friends" as I noted last night to a couple drunk people who weren't listening to me anyway... I will open the door to other forms of crazy people, less the ones that talk to themselves on the streets. (You have to have some kind of limits)
I will NOT however change my stance that I will now be less nice of a person. Being nice is boring... and I've had enough of it.
Current mood:drained
Someone, perhaps the writer of a movie script, once noted that 'You try to find someone without emotional baggage for so long, only to realize that you have been looking for someone with matching luggage'. I don't remember where I heard this or who said it but this past month has made me realize how accurate it is.drainedIn this case I'm not just referring to dating, but friendships as well. For a long time I have guarded myself (and to be honest still do) from all people, and I only have a limited number of close friends which I get to know very well. As you get to know them, I have realized that we are all so screwed up. For so long I thought that we were the only normal people on the face of this planet, and I'm ashamed to say that I have been wrong for so long. We weren't the normal, we were just a different form of screwed up, but just as screwed up as everyone else. I don't say this to offend any of my friends. On the contrary, I think that's why I have such a strong bond with those I really call my friends.
I wish I was able to organize my thoughts a little more on the subject, but this all hit my last night driving home from a party, and I needed to write it down while it was some-what fresh on my mind.
Basically I love my screwed up friends. Thanks for the craziness. It keeps me 'sane'.
EDIT: I completely forgot to put what my exec. decision was.
I have decided that instead of "not making any new friends" as I noted last night to a couple drunk people who weren't listening to me anyway... I will open the door to other forms of crazy people, less the ones that talk to themselves on the streets. (You have to have some kind of limits)
I will NOT however change my stance that I will now be less nice of a person. Being nice is boring... and I've had enough of it.
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