Sing Praise to the Chuck (A collection)

Originally Posted: December 5, 2005

Current mood:happy

*Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

*The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

*Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

*Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

*Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

*Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

*Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

*Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

*Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

*Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

*After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

*Chuck Norris once decided to make a vibrator that would simulate the size and power of his actual penis. The result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.

*A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "Don't come near me mother fucker or I'll roundhouse kick the shit out of you." The phrase has since been changed to, "Don't mess with Texas."

Chuck Norris actually invented the "Sonic Boom". Capcom thought it was so awesome that they used him as the basis for the Street Fighter character Guile.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris's softer side was shown when he helped an old lady across the street one day. However, Chuck Norris can only be nice for 15.24 seconds, so he ate the old lady after that amount of time had elapsed.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

It is well known that Chuck Norris weightlifts a lot, but it is not well known that he refuses to weightlift unless he is skydiving from 45,000 feet, without a parachute.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.